Battle Report X:
Slaves
and Mercenaries
A
fantasy Battle Report between Matt's Chaos Dwarfs and John's Dogs of War
By Matt "The Mad" Birdoff and John "Ogres and Pikes" Bianchi
Chaos Dwarf Pre-game
"Hey, Snotskin! Get yer writin’ tings togedduh; I gots words dat need speakin’! Okay, so’s I am here wid Nidal Nazr. Anyways, we iz debatin’ da merits uv shootin’ an magic against good ol’ hand to hand smackin’. Now, youz been listnin’ good ta me an you know dat da smart general, he takes big giant blocks a’ hand t’ hand boyz, and don go messin’ wif no sparkly magic doo-dads or no pussy shootin’ boyz, okay?
Okay. Now Needle here... he finks he is all smart an fancy wif his tricky magic doodads and sittin’ back shootin’ guys. He make a big ol mess o’ some a you out dere, too. So now I say, ‘Okay, Noodle Masr, I give you a shot ta prove ta me dat a sparkly magic shootin doo-dad army can fight wid da big troops. I gots dis cousin Brazznak Splitskin, he does alla dat magic whatnot, let him fight today!’ S’okay if he get hurt, cuz he borrowed my pet Vinnie an lost ‘is feet somewhere, I dunno where. So I take along Brazzek an his stoopid red flyin’ ting, okay?
Okay, now what I dinna tell Nodal Nasal here, wuz dat I trick Brazzek real good! Brazzek, his whole army ain’t made uppa nuttin but dem left over weedy green fucks, dem what argue an fight over who ate what when insteada fightin’ propa-like. Now da regular boyz ain’t want nuttin’ ta do wid dese stoopid assholes, so I hire somma dem moicenary shooty boyz ta fight wid ‘em. I iz real crafty wit da strateegery, so hey, maybe we hav’a chance, who knows?
Okay, so Nadle here says he is ad-vis-ing Brazznak to stay way back all weedy like and shoot arrows an bolts an twinkly magic until da enemy is real close. Dat’s when I take over an try ta set tricky strateegik traps an stuff. Now I iz da best - no kiddin’!- so I figure even wid dis stoopid army I got here, maybe I get a chance if da green fucks don argue wid me too much."
Dogs of War Pre-game
"Those more enlightened among you who have followed my stellar career of late may, with little effort, remember the great Count Federigo di Montefeltro’s unmitigated successes against the Brettonian incursion of my beloved homeland of Tilea earlier this fall and my happy role in my homeland’s punitive expedition against the haughty High Elves and their diminutive Dwarven allies. My gallant pikemen, skilled crossbowmen, dashing cavalrymen, and doughty artillerymen — all ably supported by three troops of truly hungry ogres — and marshaled by me — Count Federigo — graced with now legendary abilities as a tactician and leader of men for hire (at reasonable rates): these all have propelled me from glorious victory to glorious victory.
Knowing I faced a skill-less tribe of green-skinned degenerates made me even more supremely confident of the inevitable outcome. Bring them on! My un-matched talents would hardly be imposed upon in engineering and accomplishing their ignominious and total defeat. I would be waiting behind prepared positions, ready to shoot, blast, harass, scare, and finally, to crush the errand boys of the cowardly and short chaotic overlords. Anything less than obliteration of the unworthy foe would be …well… inconceivable!"
Initial Deployment
Dogs of War Turn 1
Before the battle, I intercepted dispatches from the Chaos Dwarf general to one of his captains that he would sit back and shoot, drawing me to him. How very quaint! A ruse de guerre! He had a multitude; thousands more than I possessed. He had no intention at all in standing back with such strength at his disposal — he would cross and I would be waiting for him. My plan exactly — sit back and shoot out of range of his archers. I did nothing at the opening of battle but move my cavalry and a unit of ogres to more advantageous positions and attempt some long-range fire against my unworthy foe.
Chaos Dwarf Turn 1
Okay, so’s I listnin’ ta Natal Nasal ‘ere, an he says, "Hey! send dat big red flyin’ ting behind da woods, so’s da humies can’t be shootin at it too much". So’s I do, although watching dat stoopid wimp Brazzek get a cannonball stuck in his eye would be good fun too! Den I turn da left sida da battle line ta face some speedy boyz’ wid horses or dogs or wolves... what da fuck are dese tings? What happen ta Wiz-E-Wig? Okay, so’s we cast some sparkly magic here an dere, den shoot a bit, den dose ‘ain’t so Wiz-E-Wig humies, dey die real good, just like Noodle-head here sayz. I’m done, okay? Okay.
Dogs of War Turn 2
Uhh. Well…things were not quite going to plan here. The diminutive viridian toadies of the Chaos Dwarves hadn’t moved one jot. Why? Where was their attack? Without moving they had destroyed one squadron of my cavalry and caused havoc among my Ogre escort — with foul magicks! I moved my men up to form a strong line between the two woods to my front and again shot at the enemy, causing some minor casualties — well, no real damage to speak of, in fact. To top it all off, St. Pietro, part of my beautiful matched set of cannon, blew itself all to pieces, no doubt due to some carelessness on the part of the fools in the crew!! Well, if they weren’t all already dead, I’d have some harsh words for them later.
Chaos Dwarf Turn 2
Okay, so’s Niggle Noodle here says ta keep on shootin’ da closest unit, so’s ta buy more time ta shoot an magic ‘em. So’s we smack up some more speedy not-so- Wiz-E-Wig boyz comin in too close, an dey all die real nice, ‘ept fo’ da stoopid hero idiot too dumb ta die right and propa’. In da meantime, uzin’ alla my strateegic tinkin’ brainpowa’, I man-u-vah some green twits on da left ta challenge some big smelly ogres comin dat way, an some green twats on speedy wolves ta cova da right.
Dogs of War Turn 3
OK — I quit. That’s it, I’m out! I cash in my chips. Another unit of cavalry, destroyed by magic in an instant, another Ogre out of the mix — killed by over forty bowshots. I mean — what is the point of continuing? My crossbowmen managed to destroy and panic a unit of wolf cavalry, which fled from the battle for good, but Pierfrancesco dei Bianchi, my employer’s nephew, managed to get killed attacking some monster he had no business being near! Then, the fully intact company of Venetian Ogres, instead of charging a tiny unit of hobgoblins they could eat for breakfast, runs fully into the middle of the field, presenting its flank to another massive green regiment!
Their General says they’re not going to move, but I — haha — I know they are. And then, they double cross me and don’t move at all — I’m now stuck in the open, in range of their fire anywhere on the field. Plus, they got three of those hopped-up magic-using horrors — My stupid waste of money wizard can’t even cope with them. Well he’s fired! And so are all my captains! I’m going back to my tent and have a nice bottle of Chianti and a good cry. I leave my warhorse, Fierenze, in charge and the hell with the contract! — he’s got more sense then all of you put together!!
Chaos Dwarf Turn 3
Okay, so’s now we gets ta da fun part- bashin’ da heads! Da weedy green guys on da left get it tugedduh an charge inta da Ogres. But da stoopid idiots on da right not only keep runnin’ da wrong way, but some udda’ green fucks near dem tink ‘Oi! we gots ta go home now, it’s time fo’ dinnah- G’bye!’ Well, I’ll give dem a good ax ta’ da’ brain later- dat’ll remind ‘em real good not ta be so quick to da dinnah table! Bwah ha ha ha!!!
Dat’s gonna be fun!
Okay, so Noodle says ta keep on zappin’ da closest units, so we gets da rest a dem ogres real good wid crossbows an bolt trowa’s an magic n’ stuff. Den in da fightin part, da green-o’s manage ta beat down dem ogres, runnin’ em off like liddle humies. Dis is shapin’ real good, you betcha!
Dogs of War Turn 4
Normally, as a horse, I don’t have to do too much thinking beyond where the best place to stand is during a shelling or what inspiring equestrian pose to strike, or, more importantly, is it time for more hay? This, however, was something of a pickle. Old "blood and polenta" has managed to get his force pretty much pinned down, and there’s no way it can survive much more pelting by magic and ballista fire. Horse sense says, we’re close enough to charge in and scatter the panic-prone hobgoblin horde, but that means more slogging across an open field. Well, that’s what I ordered — cross through the hail and hope to hit something green soon! On the way there, two companies of Ogres were completely destroyed, mostly by magic — nothing left, not even their appetites. In the meantime, I order the third to charge in, hoping to at least cause the enemy to defeat them and chase them into the bristling pikes behind, but sadly — the ogres are also completely eliminated — no pursuit. The crossbows at least managed to destroy two of the enemy’s many ballistae, but oh brother, this looks really bad. The enemy looks scared of our big regiments — but I know better. I’m looking for the best place to run when the green tide swamps our guys. Anyone know when they come around with more hay?
Chaos Dwarf Turn 4
Okay, so’s now it’s lookin’ like real bitch-smakin’ victory fo’ my stupid cousin’ an’ da weedy green boyz. All is left is moppin’ up an not fuckin’ up da whole ting. Foist we try’s ta charge da pointy stick boyz in da front and side, cept do’s stupid weedy fuckin green guys start ta argue ova who’s gonna get first dibs on pie afta’ dinnah. Well, let’s just say dat NO ONE is gettin’ ta EAT pie tonight - dey is gonna be PART a da pie! Da udda unit gets it togedduh an does charge in, but now dey is gonna lose real bad. S’okay, cuz I’m crafty, an set up some udda boyz ta’ slow down they’re sweeping pursuit, okay?
Okay. So’s den I move back da general ta da halfling moicenaries, gettin’ ‘im outta da path a da oncomin’ pointy stick boyz eaded ‘owa way. Den we gangs up on da’ udda unit a’ pointy stick boyz wid lotsa spells an bolts an arrows an crossbows, an den dey lookin’ left an right an dey is tinkin’ "Hey, we waz all big an scary an pointy an shit a minute ago. Now we is just a few an lookin’ pretty whack- where did all uv us go?" An as dey is sayin’ dat, more spells and arrows an bolts an crossbows is hittin dem in da neck an dey look all confused an shit wit blood pourin’ outta ‘oles where dey yoosta ‘ave eyeballs.
Dat’s good!
Dogs of War Turn 5
Although panic due to charges caused some goblin regiments to run, as expected, an army as big as the Chaos Dwarves’ could make up for any milling about with large numbers of available troops at hand. Anyhoo…magic, bow and ballista fire took out more than half our largest unit of pikes, but they charged in against a small regiment of brawny dwarves anyway, and managed to survive the combat. Our crossbowmen, justifying their salaries, scattered greenskin bowmen with some long-range fire. The unit of pikes I accompanied took out the unit of hobgoblins that had charged it, and it went right on through to the war machine behind. Now this was telling — our boys had it all over the unskilled horde before us in ability — its just that they’re wasn’t any of us left. Those hills to the rear seemed like a good place to run; it looks like there’s plenty of hay up there. Yep, that’s where I’m headed. I hope they go easy on the drunk general in the tent when they wake him up.
Chaos Dwarf Turn 5
Okay, so’s itsa all lookin’ pretty good fo’ da boyz. An dat’s good, cept my stupid cousin Brezznek, now he gonna go on tellin’ us all "Hey, lookit me all crafty wit my sparkly shootin’ doo-dad magic whatnots. I’m boss!" An I don wanna hear dat from him, dat git, so’s I say "Ey! You doin’ real nice dere, but maybe you do betta if you’s charge inta da last a da pointy stick boyz! Den we iz all real impressed, an you get da ladies an alla dat!" Meanwhile, I is tinkin’ he so crappy in da fightin’ up close, maybe he get hisself whacked, den I don gotta hear nona dat shit from him.
Strateegery!
Okay, So’s da rest a da plan is goin, what wit da udda unit bein’ slowed down by da sac-ri-fic-i-al bolt trowa I so cun-ning-ly sac-ri-ficed. An den, holy shit, lookit dat! Brezznek beats da pointy stick boyz! He ‘ad some help, sure, but still, whodathunkit?
Wrap-Up
So’s we win da big fight, an I iz real pleased, cept fo Brezznek not dyin’ like he oughta, an Noddle Head here sayin’ "Look, I wuz right! Shootin’ an magic is great!" But I knows dat it ain’t dat we is so great, it’s dat da udda guy, his army ain’t so well tuggedduh fo’ fightin’ so much shootyness.
Meanwhile, dat udda guy, he is lookin’ all sad, sayin " Gosh-darnit, you is so smart an cunnin’ wit da strateegery, Zhatan da’ Black, an I is just so stupid. I wish I could be just like you an be a great general. Can you teach me how to fight da’ battles real clever like dat?" An I is in a decent mood, what with a good head bashin’ behind me, and Hobgoblin Pie fo’ dinnah, so’s I say "Sho! I help youz ta be smart like me. Let’s fire alla you guyz, an get all new ones, da ones I say you should."An he say "Okay, just cuz you are so smart and good lookin’, an alla da ladies like ta be aroun’ alla da time when you iz dere. You exhoud such noble breeding and in-tell-i-gence, I aspire to be just like you!"
Okay, den!
Click here to read the battle report of the rematch fight between Zhatan the Black and Count Federigo di Montefeltro!